


Stand Down: After the Coup

by Ezzy_Pie



Series: Before, Now & After [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Citadel Coup, F/M, Mass Effect - Freeform, Mass Effect 3, Mass Effect 3: Citadel, Paragon Shepard (Mass Effect), Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Spacer (Mass Effect), complcated feelings, pre game relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-13 13:53:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21495358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ezzy_Pie/pseuds/Ezzy_Pie
Summary: Samantha Shepard aims her gun at the man she loves.Kaidan and Shepard's in the aftermath of the Citadel coup.NOTE: Now updated and beta'd by the wonderful @unlmtdsky
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko & Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Shepard
Series: Before, Now & After [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1526675
Comments: 15
Kudos: 34





	1. Samantha

"Put the gun down, Kaidan." Sam heard the tremor in her own voice. Her hands shook. She turned, tightening her grip on her weapon. Kaidan's beautiful eyes narrowed at the small movement.

_Kaidan, please._

Had it really come to this? They loved each other. Didn't they? Hadn't they reached an understanding when he was beaten and broken in the hospital? Or had that just been the morphine talking?

Her body shook, and she squeezed her eyes shut.

"Stand down, Major," she gritted out again, unable to look at the mistrust and doubt in the eyes that had once looked at her with adoration and love.

She would have left him on Virmire if that had been the right choice.

If he didn't lower his weapon now, if he didn't listen—she would do it. She would take the shot.

And it would kill her.

She felt sick. Bile rose in her throat, and she was forced to swallow it down.

"Shepard?" Liara touched her shoulder, and she opened her eyes. Kaidan still had his weapon levelled at her, but she could see the uncertainty in his eyes and the unsteadiness of his own hands.

"For Spirits' sake, Kaidan, put the damn gun down!" Garrus lifted his own weapon, giving an almost imperceptible nod to Sam. He'd take the shot if she couldn't. If she gave the word, he would save her the heartache of pulling the trigger on the man she loved.

"Come on, Shepard. This looks bad." Kaidan squinted, shaking his head.

She wasn't an idiot. She knew it looked bad. She knew it when Cerberus rebuilt her. She knew it on Horizon. She knew it when she sacrificed three hundred thousand batarian lives to buy time against the Reapers.

And she knew it now.

"Please," she whispered, fighting back tears as her finger tightened on the trigger. "Kaidan."

His gaze met hers, holding for what felt like an eternity before he finally lowered his weapon. "I hope I don't regret this."

"You won't." She dropped her weapon, adrenaline and nausea warring in her gut as Kaidan turned away from her, unable to meet her eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and she noted the slight shaking in his own body.

_"To hell with this!" Udina moved to the console. "Overriding lockdown."_

_"Step away from the console!" Kaidan had his weapon drawn again, this time on Udina. The councilor scoffed and kept punching in directives._

_The asari councilor approached Udina. Sam was unable to hear her words as Udina shoved her to the ground._

_Everything happened so fast._

_Udina pulled his gun, someone shouted._

_Her gun fired before she even realised, the bullet striking right between the councilor's eyes. Blood splattered over the asari and turian representatives as Udina's body dropped like a rock, heavily, to the ground._

Blood pooled around his lifeless form.

Without waiting, she holstered her gun and turned from the scene, stalking down the hall and bursting into the deserted C-Sec bathrooms.

Falling to her knees, she vomited into the toilet, coughing and dry heaving for several long minutes. Tears burned her eyes as she slid to the floor, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, the bitter taste of bile on her tongue.

Hysterical laugher filled the cubicle, shrill and out of place, until her hysteria gave way to tears. She couldn't stop crying, her body shook uncontrollably and she couldn't catch her breath as she clutched at her throat, fighting off the memories of suffocating in the dark expanse of space.

This was not the life they planned together. Before the Reapers. Before Cerberus. Before Alchera.

Before she lost everything.

She wrapped her arms around her stomach and curled against the wall. A soft knock sounded behind the door.

"Shepard?" Liara slowly pushed into the cubicle, gazing down at her friend with concern.

"Oh, Shepard." Liara fell to her knees, gathering Sam into her arms, and she cried harder, burying her face in her friend's shoulder.

If they could only see their saviour now—broken and bawling in a dirty public bathroom.

Liara didn't try to placate her with empty words. She simply sat, stroking her hair until Sam cried herself dry, then helped her to her feet. Sam splashed water across her face, attempting to wash away some of the puffiness from her eyes.

It didn't work.

"You can take a few minutes, Shepard, if you need."

She nodded, bracing her hands either side of the bathroom sink, and closed her eyes again. Kaidan's face appeared before her, smiling and laughing. His face contorted in ecstasy, then in anger. Anger on Horizon. Anger on Mars. She saw again the confusion in his eyes as he pointed his gun at her not more than twenty minutes ago.

Her eyes snapped open. She was breathing hard.

"Liara."

"I'm here, Shepard." She gripped her friend's hand. This can't be what breaks her. With everything that's going on, _THIS_ will not be what makes her fall to pieces.

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she released Liara's hand. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the asari flexing her fingers. "I'm okay. Let's go."

"For what it's worth, I don't think he would have taken the shot."

Sam turned away from the sink moving towards the door.

"Yes. He would have." She pulled the door open and stepped through.

_And so would I._


	2. Kaidan

Kaidan walked.

After C-Sec arrived. After Udina's body was taken away. Kaidan walked.

The man's blood was still splattered across his armour.

He just walked until he found himself outside the marketplace overlooking the Presidium. He hadn't meant to come here. To their spot.

Where he'd slipped up and given himself away in front of Ash by calling Sam beautiful.

Ash had never let him forget it.

It was also where they'd planned a life together. Where he almost proposed. Where she told him...

He inhaled sharply, pushing the memory away.

They had lost so much. Time they should have had. The future they had planned for. It had been brutally and violently ripped away.

And nothing had been the same since.

Now, they were pointing guns in each other's faces. Trust had been broken on both sides, and they were both irrevocably changed.

He dropped his face between his hands, gripping his hair tightly between his fists. A migraine was building behind his eyes, and nausea flared in his gut.

She would have shot him. There was not an inkling of doubt she would have.

Because he was prepared to do the same.

How had it come to this? Could they ever go back?

He'd seen the toll the war was taking on her. What _everything_ was taking on her.

She was thinner and her cheeks more gaunt. Her beautiful blue eyes didn't shine half as brightly as they once did. And they were ringed with dark circles, making him wonder when she'd last gotten a full night's sleep. Even her hair lacked the vibrancy it once did.

He remembered it like a halo of wildfire spread across his sheets. Once she'd been living fire. Ferocity and passion had burned in her like a beacon in the night.

Now, like himself and so many others, she just seemed broken. Beaten down. Burnt out, a flickering ember of her former self.

And he hated himself for any part he'd played in her struggles.

He dropped his hands and stared down into the Presidium.

"Kaidan?"

He spun towards the voice at his back, pain spiking through his head with the sudden movement.

He found himself face-to-face with Liara T'Soni.

"Is she okay?" The words rushed out, unbidden, and the asari frowned.

"Kaidan..."

"Yeah, sorry. It's none of my business." He leaned back against the railing, squinting his eyes against the migraine.

"Are you all right?"

He opened his eyes. "Me?"

"We were friends once, too, Kaidan."

"I honestly wasn't sure if that was still the case."

She smiled softly. "So? How are you Kaidan? Really?"

"As well as can be, I guess... after the woman I love had a gun shoved in my face. And vice versa."

"You still love her?"

Kaidan met Liara's gaze. Her softness was gone, and she was staring at him with open curiosity like he was a Prothean puzzle box. It was kind of terrifying how much she had changed from the soft-spoken archaeologist they had first met on Therum. Now, she was the Shadow Broker. She could probably have a dozen assassins slay him before he took his next breath. If she wished.

The throbbing in his head increased. He felt sick. Hell, if Liara was doubting him, what did Sam think?

Especially after he'd told her they were all good in the hospital.

_Fuck._

"I never stopped."

It's why this whole situation was so fucked up. Too many feelings involved. Too much history.

"She was willing to shoot you."

"I know."

"Could you have done it?"

"This war is bigger than all of us, Liara. If I had to..." He couldn't finish the sentence. Even the thought was too much to bear.

"But you still love her?"

"Yes."

"Then there is hope." Liara took a step forward, placing a hand on his shoulder and wiping a speck of blood from his collar.

"She needs you, Kaidan. Even if she can't tell you that herself."

****

Which is how he now found himself sitting outside the Normandy's airlock.

He doubted Sam would be happy to see him. Hell, she might still shoot him for daring to show his face.

He stood as he heard approaching footsteps. But it wasn't Sam. Instead, one angry-looking turian with a giant sniper rifle was glaring down at him.

"Spirits, Kaidan. You've got balls. I'll give you that." The turian leaned close, his mandibles flaring. "But just so you know, I would have put a bullet between your eyes had she given the order."

"Garrus…" He reached instinctively for his biotics, blue flaring briefly across his skin, and Garrus stepped back.

"You weren't there. With Cerberus. After Horizon. You fucked her up good, Alenko." Garrus tapped the muzzle of his rifle. "Some of us know what loyalty means. And my trigger finger is still itchy."

The turian shoved him hard against the wall as he shoved his way past, slamming his taloned hand against the controls and storming through the airlock.

Kaidan had no doubt Garrus would make good on his threat.

He tried not to think of Horizon. The guilt he carried from that encounter still kept him awake at night.

"Kaidan?"

His breath caught at the sound of her voice, and he looked up, rubbing his shoulder.

"What are you doing here?"

She came forward but stopped several steps away. Out of reach.

Her face was blotchy, her eyes puffy and bloodshot. Tear tracks were still visible in the dust and grime on her face from climbing through the elevator shaft.

She'd been crying.

Kaidan wanted to collapse in on himself. He'd never ever wanted to make her cry, to be the cause of her pain. Yet that's all he seemed to do for her these days.

He was suddenly regretting his decision to come here.

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to go?"

Her blue eyes flared wide, panicked. Like the proverbial deer in the headlights. "No! Just..." Her arms hung limply at her side, and she dropped her gaze to her boots.

Once he'd been one of few to be privileged enough to see her vulnerable side. Now she wore it outside for all to see.

He hated it.

"I'm tired, Kaidan. I can't fight with you anymore. So if you're here to yell at me about shooting Udina..."

"I'm not."

She lifted her head and stared at him, waiting for him to speak. A stray strand of hair had come loose, and the urge to brush it from her face was overwhelming.

"Look, Sam... Shepard. There's another reason I'm here." He took a steadying breath. "I want to re-join the Normandy. Hackett offered me a position... but if you'll have me..."

Her breath hitched, and for a moment he thought she was going to cry. Instead, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. When she looked at him again, it was with that grim determination that he loved in her.

"I couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you, Kaidan."

He released the breath he didn't know he was holding. "Thank you." He held out his hand. She didn't take it. Instead, she stared him down until he awkwardly shoved it behind his back.

"Grab your gear. We're leaving in thirty."

"Aye, Commander."

She stepped past him, hitting the control panel, and the airlock hissed open.

"Sam, I need you to know."

She turned back. "What?"

"I won't doubt you again. I've got your back."

The edges of her lips twitched into a barely-there smile.

"Good to know." She held out her hand. In two strides he had it clasped between his own in a brief handshake that was over too fast.

"Welcome aboard, Major."


	3. Samantha & Kaidan

She was avoiding him.

Three weeks Kaidan had been back on the Normandy, back sharing a bunk with a dozen soldiers who probably hated him.

Three weeks and half a dozen missions and not once had she chosen him as part of her ground team. It was always a combination of Garrus, Tali or Liara. Occasionally she might take James along, but never him.

Even the AI, EDI, got more ground time.

He could count on one hand the amount of times she had spoken to him and then only to bark orders at him from the combat deck. He'd barely spoken to Joker since he'd come on board, unless it was a few grunted words in the mess hall. Sam had gained his loyalty during the Cerberus years, while Kaidan's own relationship with the pilot was frayed beyond repair.

Sam wasn't the only one he needed to make amends with.

She commanded her ship as she always had: with a fierce passion that people couldn't help but follow with an almost zealous belief in their goal.

She gave her crew what they needed. A commander. A titan with a backbone of steel. A goddess of fire and fury. A fierce warrior who would lead them to victory.

She was giving everything she had to this war. He could see it in the hard look in her eyes.

She was exhausted but not defeated.

But the cracks in her armour were beginning to show. For those who knew where to look.

He saw it in the haunted look she would get in her eyes when no one else was watching. He saw it in the shakiness of her hands when she returned from a mission. And he saw it in the way she looked right through him, like he wasn't even there.

It was fucking torture being back aboard the Normandy. Seeing her like this, feeling the gaping chasm between them growing wider each day. Impossible to cross.

He wasn't naive enough to believe they'd be back to their old selves. Too much had happened to just pick up like nothing had happened.

He _had_ expected to at least be able to have a cordial, working relationship. But this was never going to work if she wouldn't let him do his job.

The old Sam would have forced this confrontation herself, not avoided him like he was a diseased varren. She would have chosen him first. Pushed him to his breaking point. Pushed him until he pushed back and they finally had this out.

Like she had after Virmire.

So he'd hacked the elevator code to her quarters.

They were going to have this out, once and for all.

Stepping into the hallway, Kaidan took a deep breath and knocked on her door, knowing full well this was a terrible idea. She may just shoot him for intruding.

He hoped she was still a night owl. It wasn't late, but the sleep cycle had been in effect for over an hour.

He stepped back suddenly as the door to her quarters slid open, and Sam appeared in the doorway.

Her fiery hair was wild and loose, and an oversized Alliance t-shirt hung off one shoulder. The sleep shorts that barely covered her thighs were _definitely_ not Alliance-issue, and she had new burn scars marring her left leg.

Her gaze narrowed when she saw him in her doorway, and he snapped his gaze away from her legs.

"What do you want, Kaidan?"

She sounded as tired as she looked.

"Why did you let me back on the Normandy?"

"What?"

"You're not letting me do my job."

She sighed, brushing her hair back over her shoulder, exposing bare skin to his gaze. "Kaidan... it's late. Must we do this now?"

He forced himself not to look at her naked shoulder, his own frustrations at her current nonchalance building. "Yes, we do. Why won't you let me do my job? I'm a damn good solider. I have medical training, and, no offence, but my biotics are a lot stronger than yours. Liara is good, but she's no commando." He took a breath, trying to quell the rising anger, pushing back on his biotics. She was just staring passively at him, her expression unmoved. But he could feel the tension coming off her. Felt the hum of her barely concealed biotics as he watched her jaw clench.

"But you know all this. It's why you let me back. Our personal history is messy, I get that. Trust me, I get that. But I don't even know what I'm doing here, Shepard. Why won't you let me help you?"

Her biotics flared, and he stepped back instinctively, his own barrier springing into place.

"Because I can't handle it!" she shouted. Her eyes shut briefly, fists balled at her sides. She opened her eyes again, and he saw the tears shining in their blue depths.

_Oh._

"You being here. I thought I could, but I can't! Is that what you want to hear, Kaidan? You want me to tell you how fucking hard it is being around you? I can't bear it! It hurts to look at you!" She turned her back to him, swiping at her tears as she moved back into her cabin. He took a hesitant step forward, and the door hissed shut behind him.

"Commander Shepard, Sole Survivor of Akuze, Hero of the Citadel, can't handle being around her ex," she snapped bitterly.

_Fuck._

He was hurting her. Still. His very presence was causing her pain He wanted to reach out. To hold her. To comfort her.

But how could he when he was the thing that was hurting her? He raked a hand through his hair and down the back of his neck.

He'd wanted to make amends. To help. He hadn't even considered how she would feel.

Did his own selfishness know no bounds?

"I never meant to make this more difficult for you, Sam." He saw her body tense at the informal use of her name. Had he overstepped?

"Look, you can drop me off at the nearest station. I'll find my own way back to the Citadel."

He turned to leave, his hand reaching for the control panel, when he was shoved against the wall with such biotic force that he smashed his head against the door.

He shook off the shock and turned back to her, rubbing his forehead. Her face was angry and tear-stained. Her breathing was hard as the blue glow surrounding her dissipated, her fists clenched tightly at her sides.

"You're really just walking away? Again!"

His own biotics flared, as did his own anger.

"You just told me you can't stand me." He grit out the words as he took half a step towards her. Her guard was up, ready for battle. He could see it in her eyes. His own barrier was ready should she strike at him again. "You've barely looked at me, and you don't want me on your team. I'd be better use to Hackett if you won't use me."

"So you just walk away? You've gotten really good at that over the last few years, haven't you, Kaidan?"

"I'm not walking away from the war."

"Just me then."

Blue flared across his skin. "What do you want from me, Sam? Another apology? How many more times can I say I'm sorry? How many different ways?"

They were both shaking. Biotics thrummed through the entire room, and suddenly he was shouting across the small space.

"I'm sorry, okay! I'm sorry about Horizon. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I'm sorry about Mars, and the Citadel and every other fucking shit thing I've said or done. I'm sorry you died, and I'm sorry you hate me so damn much!" He was breathing hard. Tears pricked at his own eyes as he fisted his hand in his hair, tugging hard on the strands.

_This was fucking painful._

"You think I hate you?"

He barely heard her whisper, and he answered without raising his head.

"Don't you?"

"I still fucking love you!"

His head snapped up. He blinked and he was sure his heart damn near stopped.

****

She hadn't meant to scream it at him across the room. But seeing his hurt, his anger, the pain in those beautiful eyes…

It was too much.

"It fucking hurts to look at you and not touch you. All I want is for all this to have never happened. Or to be over. Or that I'd stayed dead. It wouldn't hurt so damn much if I'd just stayed dead."

Her breath caught. She'd never said that out loud before. And Kaidan was staring at her with... what, she didn't know. She'd never seen that look on his face before.

"Sam..." He took a step towards her, reaching out but she raised her hands to stop, and he lowered his hands. If he touched her, she truly would fall apart.

"Kaidan, don't..."

She barely heard her own words. He took another step closer. She was shaking now, trying to hold all her emotions in. To force them down deep.

She began pacing.

"Cerberus brought me back for a suicide mission. I thought I'd die. One last _fuck you_ to the Reapers, then I would be done. I could rest. It would be over." She shook her head and scoffed at her own foolishness. "Then I fucking survived that, too. I spent months in an Alliance cell trying to make them understand. Then suddenly, once again, the galaxy needs me because no one listened. No one ever listens!"

She ceased her pacing. "We were out. Before Alchera. Remember?"

They'd filled out their paperwork together. After Saren and Sovereign, early retirement had sounded like utter bliss.

"Of course I remember." His voice was soft, barely a whisper.

"One last mission and we were out." She sat on the bed, her head falling to her hands. "You had a ring in your pocket that day."

"Sam. Don't do this to yourself. Please. What happened, it wasn't your fault."

She lifted her gaze to his. Tears fell freely down his face. "I told you to wait. To ask me after the mission. I wanted that life with you, Kaidan. So badly. To build our home on the beach. To put Saren and the Reapers and the Alliance behind us. To raise..." Her voice choked off, and she shoved the memory away.

It was still too painful.

"I'm sorry you died. I'm sorry, I really am. I'm sorry you died and didn't get to live the life we'd planned for. I'm sorry you've been forced into this position. Again." He reached for her hand, and this time she let him take it as he knelt on the floor in front of her.

"I'm sorry you couldn't get out before any of this happened." He kissed the back of her wrist, over her N7 tattoo. "But please do not _ever_ wish you had stayed dead, Sam." He kissed each of her knuckles ever so softly, and she couldn't hold back the sobs that wracked her body.

She lay down on her bed. A moment later she felt the mattress dip, and Kaidan's warm hand shakily rested on her head before he started running his fingers through her hair.

He was quiet. Only the sound of the fish tank bubbling and her own heartbeat could be heard.

Sam grabbed his hand and pulled him down with her. His body instantly curled around hers. Warm and familiar and _safe_. He pressed his face into the back of her neck, his breath warm against her skin as his hand came to rest over her stomach.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to grieve with you. You'll never know how sorry I am. For all of it. For not loving you the way I should have, that I wasn’t enough when it mattered. When you needed me most."

She rolled over, burying her face against his shoulder and clinging to him like he was her lifeline. Like she used to in the dark when nightmares haunted her sleep.

He held her tightly against him, his damp cheek pressed against her own.

"I'll never walk away again, Sam. Never. I've got you. Always."

Her grip tightened, her nails digging into his shoulders as she pulled back slightly to look at him. He was a mess. Puffy eyes and red cheeks.

She smiled.

"I'll hold you to that, Major."

He released a shuddering sob, then kissed her.

He kissed her for the first time in forever.

And she hoped he'd never stop.


End file.
